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At the time, I thought him to be the great love of my life. I romanticized about him constantly. Addictive in nature, I indulged in that gooey type of fantasy as I mentally built our future. I wished, hoped and dreamed of us. It seemed like I breathed in his essence. I felt lots of emotional torment. I wanted to see him and be with him constantly. Even when there was no outward upset, inside me there was lots of drama and excitement. It felt like being with Sam would make me whole and complete...fill me up emotionally and fix me somehow.

When we `broke up', I was heartbroken. I mourned and grieved and felt totally devastated for a long time. This was so absolutely painful; my lifetime emotional growth began at that time. The motivation to grow was Sam's priceless gift to me. Finally, I began to date others and learn from each experience. Then I met David, the real first love of my life. We were together for 27 years.

How were these two relationships different?

• Fantasy
• Intimacy
• Honesty
• Realistic Expectations

The Fantasy: An addictive fantasy has roses, music, and starry skies sweeping you off your feet. Most addictive relationships begin with a view of romance more like the movies than real life. You will never argue, disagree, or have the human failings of normal people. People do not fart, belch, need showers or have bad breath. They don't cheat on you, spend too much money or have emotional problems. You see one another as an ideal. This is the person of your secret dreams.

It was a rude shock when I realized many months later that I did not even know what `Sam' actually looked like. On the other hand, I was always aware of David's failings. He was definitely aware of mine! An authentic relationship knows your partner for the person they are.

Intimacy: In addictive relationships, you often have mad, passionate sex. Exciting and enticing, the sex makes it seem there is a great amount of intimacy. However, this is only sex. Unfortunately, sex in this real world can only, at best, take up a small portion of your life. Genuine intimacy occurs when two people stand slightly apart from one another and connect. True intimacy involves communication. This doesn't happen in your hearts and flowers fantasy. You need a valid knowledge of your partner's being to dialogue.

Honesty: There is more than one type of honesty in relationships: literal honesty and emotional honesty. With addictive relationships you often have lots of drama with the obvious lack of literal honesty. More importantly, emotional honesty is absent. You both want so badly to fulfill your fantasies that you lie to one another. You tell each other whatever you think the object of your desires wants to hear. You both say anything and everything to hold on to the fantasy. This leaves out the total possibility of ever knowing who your partner is, how they feel, what they want and their genuine needs. When I met `Sam', I didn't hear him when he said to me, I love you as much as I am capable of loving anyone. A few breaths later, he confided, I am not capable being in a relationship. I only heard that in retrospect. All the drama and excitement that followed started with my unwillingness to realize he didn't match my fantasies one iota! That's addiction.

Realistic Expectations: In an addictive relationship, you have unrealistic expectations. Many of these are not conscious. People think that the object of their obsession can solve all their emotional problems and fix what is wrong in his or her life. It seems as though they can fill you up and make up for all your life's disappointments and injuries.