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The cause of anger. All targets of bullying get angry. This is "normal", for anger builds inside a person for months, sometimes for years. It is a feature of targets that they internalise their anger rather than express it. That is what we teach our children to do. Most often the cause of the anger is a bully who is a serial bully, a devious, manipulative, deceptive, a compulsive liar with a Jekyll and Hyde nature who can also be charming when required - especially when accountability needs to be evaded.

Living or working with a serial bully can drive you mad. Although it feels like you're going insane, in most cases targets of bullying are completely sane but mad with anger. Bullying drives many people to suicide. Most people will experience prolonged negative stress which causes injury to health and over time becomes traumatising, resulting in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is a psychiatric injury, not a mental illness, despite some superficial similarity.

What contributes most to anger is the bully's constant denial of what they said or did yesterday, plus the fact you can never hold a mature adult conversation with the person; the bully flits from topic to topic, denying everything, always blaming others, especially the target of bullying. It's like nailing jelly to a tree. Bullies use anger to control their target. Weeks, months or years of provocation, taunting, denial and projection cause great anger even in the calmest people. Bullies know that they can tap into that anger whenever they like and use it to control their target, often by obtaining an inappropriate release of that anger.

The most maddening thing about dealing with an aggressive, dysfunctional serial bully is that nothing works. No matter what you try or what you say, nothing works. It's only when you realise that the bully has a different mindset from yourself and that he or she has the behaviour profile of the serial bully that this person's aggressive, disorganised, disordered behaviour starts to make sense. Even then, most people are trapped in their job (or their relationship) and cannot escape the bully. This aspect of captivity seems to be one of the main contributors to the development of PTSD.

Dealing with anger. As a society we don't learn how to deal with anger, no-one teaches us, it's a taboo subject. Bottling up anger is thought to be a cause of many types of illness, including cancer. Feeling angry is "normal" under the circumstances, however, the choice to be angry - or rather one's choice to express anger - is also an unwitting choice to allow the bully to continue to control you outside and beyond the experience.

One way of reducing the feelings of anger is, whenever you feel angry, say to yourself, methodically and pedantically, "I feel angry, I have a right to be angry given what has happened, but when I get angry I'm allowing X [the bully] to continue to control me by tapping into my anger and using it to provoke an inappropriate reaction. I can choose not to express anger and instead retain control by not getting angry." This takes some doing but it does help to quell the angry feelings, especially when you can channel them into motivating you to do something constructive. Anger can be a powerful motivating force, provided you can harness it and direct it towards achieving your objectives in life. A bullying experience is an opportunity for defining or reviewing your goals.

Strategies for dealing with anger. All targets of bullying (including abuse, harassment, stalking, etc.) have a lot of locked-up anger which is very difficult to contain. Small irritations tend to set off an explosive release. These triggers can come wittingly or unwittingly from our adversaries or from our friends and colleagues. Anger is a beast that controls you. When you express it you lose control. Bullies know this, it's why they constantly provoke you. By expressing anger you are thus choosing to allow the bully to control your actions long after the experience. The expression of anger can become like a drug because of the pleasurable feeling that comes with the exercise of power and control. Good people will often then feel guilty, which replenishes the anger for the next time.

Try these:

1) Get an empty plastic milk container or similar and jump up and down on it until it becomes a two-dimensional object. Do this in private otherwise you may get a visit from two men in white coats.

2) Talk things through with your counsellor and therapist.

3) Empower yourself with knowledge and insight and learn defensive phrases such as "I'm sorry you choose to feel like that".

4) Take time to rebuild your boundaries so that it's harder for people to pull your triggers (wittingly or unwittingly).

5) Every time you have a negative thought force yourself to say repeatedly "I am responsible, I am responsible.." (not for the source of the anger, but for your response to the emergence of your anger).

6) Cut contact with all the negative people in your life - if this is not possible (eg the bully is a close relative) then minimise contact, practice verbal self-defence.

7) Rediscover your integrity which has taken a battering and work regularly on rebuilding it, strengthening it and practising it.

8) Concentrate on what YOU want to do with your life. Whilst everyone has the right to take legal action to obtain compensation for detriment, because the law is so weak there's a good case for deciding on *either* committing yourself to several years of legal action (ie more bullying and reliving your experience repeatedly), *or* focusing on your strengths (which are considerable - that's what attracted the bully in the first place, remember?) and carving out a new career for yourself. In most cases it won't take many years to earn more than you might have got through the courts.

Another source of anger - unresolved grief. As a society we are often hopeless at dealing with grief at the loss of a loved one. Admonitions that "you've got to move on with your life" or similar may be well meant but they do not recognise the depth of loss that people, especially children, feel after the death of someone close to them.

Grief comprises many symptoms, including anger which is directed at the person who has died and caused so much pain by dying. It's an odd feeling to have but is a normal part of grief. Most people then feel guilty for feeling anger at the person who has died. The process of mourning helps us deal with these natural feelings which also include sadness, loss, undeservingness, unworthiness, guilt, and more. When a person does not grieve properly these feelings are internalised and end up as inwardly-directed anger. This builds more anger and the process repeats until the person experiences depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.