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Internet Infidelity! ~ Food for Thought

With the growth of the Internet community comes greater access to all types of information. People are meeting on the Internet through email, discussion lists, chat rooms and relationship web sites. A relationship on the Internet may evolve very easily, but should also be regarded with sensibility and confidentiality.

How Can It Be An Affair If It's Not Physical?
Some people think that as long as long as I have had no sexual contact with a person, I am still being faithful to my partner. Yet, this simply is not the case. It does not take a physical act to betray your relationship with your partner.

Infidelity is primarily a matter of the heart, and an issue of behaviour. It is the heart that wonders first, generally, long before any specific betrayal of behaviour can be pinpointed. The toughest issue for the faithful partner is not whether their partner can change their behaviour, but how can I know where their heart is. How can I know that they are committed to me with their heart and not just their words.

Why Is The Internet So Alluring?
Why is the Internet so alluring even for people who might not otherwise think of pursuing an extramarital affair? There are as many answers to that question as there are people who find themselves involved in such a relationship. There are three aspects of an Internet relationship that make it unique.

First, the Internet is readily accessible. Extramarital relationships may not be readily accessible, but a relationship on the Internet is. Availability and accessibility make Internet infidelity a possibility when people are the most vulnerable. Men and women in mid-life are dealing with reality of their own changing bodies. They commonly struggle with what is truly meaningful in their lives. They feel so many demands upon them with fewer emotional paybacks. An Internet relationship adds some mystery, intrigue to a person's life, and can initially meet some long forgotten emotional needs.

Second, an Internet relationship is private and secret. It is a lot more private method of establishing a secret relationship than would otherwise be the case. Thus, the risks seem so small and inconsequential. Many individuals believe that their Internet relationship is a harmless relaxation activity. They live in denial that their virtual relationship could possibly be harmful to their real relationship.

Third, the Internet can have an addictive aspect to it. It can function within a person's life in a similar way to that of an addiction. We can start to "use" it to avoid other issues, or problems in our life. We can use it to feel connected when we aren't in our real life. We can use it to avoid feelings of loneliness, lack of communication and intimacy, and feeling trapped by family and responsibilities ~ all of which we would rather not feel. We may even feel hurt and abandoned by our partner, but we can avoid all these feelings and issues by having an Internet relationship.

Why Is An Internet Affair Unwise?
The fundamental feature of an Internet relationship is fantasy; not reality. We can develop an image and idea of what the other person is like, but it is fraught with assumptions and open to many inaccuracies. We can easily end up painting a picture of the person we need or desire, rather than establishing a relationship based on reality.

A fantasy relationship is hurtful and damaging. Comparisons between fantasy and reality are made and reality can never measure up to the fantasy. People become emotionally involved with a fantasy that destroys their perception of their real partner. Their energy goes into the fantasy, rather than investing into their real partnership and into improving that partnership.

An Internet relationship is not wise because you do not really know who the person is at the other end of the cyber line. At best, they may neglect to tell you their real issues and faults and, at worst, they may be deceiving you completely. The relationship may not mean to them what it means to you. Therefore, it is important to realize that an Internet relationship is harmful to your real partnership. In lieu of this, how do you know if a relationship on the Internet might begin to harm your real partnership?

How do I know if I am already in too deep with an Internet relationship?
Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Am I keeping this relationship (or the nature of it) a secret from my partner?
Do I tell more of myself (thoughts and feelings) to the person on the Internet than I tell my partner? Be honest!
Do I ever flirt on line?
Do I engage in sexual discussions over the Internet?
Do I neglect my relationship with my partner (and/or children) in any way due to time I spend on the Internet?
Do I think about my Internet relationships while I am doing other things (am I preoccupied)?
Do I ever fantasize (daydream) about what the Internet person is like, or what it would be like if I were with them?

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, chances are you have gone too far in the relationship and that it may already be doing damage to your real relationship with your partner.

What can I do if I find myself being involved in Internet infidelity?
You might want to consider going for counselling to help you figure out all your conflicting feelings. It would be very valuable for you to figure out, in counselling, the answer to such questions as:

How did I get involved in this relationship?
What was going on in my emotional life at the time I got involved in this relationship?
What needs did I have met through the Internet relationship?
Do I see any patterns in the types of relationships I get involved in?
What does my real partnership mean to me and what needs are not being met?
How can my partner and I better meet each other's needs?

Relationship counselling can be the best investment you ever make into your relationship, especially when you have two people who want to make it work.

Alternatively, you may also want to consider ending the fantasy relationship. This may be painful and hard, but necessary. This may mean making the clear decision to have no Internet access for quite a while. This is to help you see just how much time and energy you were giving to the Internet relationship and not being drawn back into it.

What can I do if my partner is having an inappropriate relationship over the Internet?
If you haven't confronted your partner, you might want to consider talking to them using some of the following questions:

How meaningful is our relationship to you? How can we make it more meaningful in our relationship?
Do you feel we get stuck in blaming each other for problems? How can we look for solutions, rather than simply blaming?
How can we add more zest and fun into our relationship?
I need you to end your Internet relationship if we are to enhance and improve our own. Are you willing to do that?
I want to bring new life to our relationship and I believe we can if we seek counselling together. Would you come with me?

It would be most valuable for you to go for counselling. Even if your partner does not wish to go, you need to work on the emotional fallout from their behaviour and figure out what it is that you need to do for you.

How can we protest our relationship?
"Be prepared" is the motto for the Boy Scouts and it relates well to your real partnership. Take the time to protect your partnership from Internet relationships. Take the time to talk to your partner about this issue. Take the time to invest in your relationship to make it more meaningful and vibrant for the both of you. That may mean such things as:

Doing more fun things together.
Finding time to talk together.
Reading a marriage/partners book together.
Attending a partner enrichment weekend as a couple.
Going for couple counselling to learn to better communicate with each other.

You may want to put safe guards on your computer as well. Put it in an open area, not in a secret back room. Take off the instant message feature. Log all Internet use and monitor it to protect yourself and/or children. Most of all, take the time and energy to enhance your real partnership. Don't take it for granted.

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