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"Domestic Violence"

Do you think you might be in a destructive relationship? If it hurts or scares you, it's not healthy. Relationships should make both partners feel good about themselves and about each other.

Domestic violence occurs when a relationship is based on power and control. The abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual. Often, one or more violent incidents are accompanied by an array of other types of abuse. They may not be as obvious, but help to firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.

Abuse may include one or more of the following types of mistreatment ~ physical, sexual, and emotional/psychological. These kinds of abuse occurs in every race, class and educational background, from doctors to truck drivers. It is extremely prevalent with 3 to 4 million women being battered each year in the United States.

The Cycle of Violence

Domestic violence usually follow a cycle that repeats itself continually. This cycle consists of the following three stages:

Tension or Build Up (phase 1) Increased tension, anger, blaming, arguing. This phase may last a week, months, or years. However, it usually becomes more frequent as the cycle is repeated. It typically involves an increase in verbal and minor physical abuse. Sometimes this is enough to frighten the victim into submission. The victim knows what will happen if he/she does not comply. At this point, the victim may be amenable to sources of help.
Battering Incident (phase 2) Battering-hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, use of objects or weapons. Sexual abuse. Verbal threats and abuse. During this phase, the batterer loses the desire or ability to control his/her anger and violence.
Calm or Honeymoon Stage (phase 3) This stage may decrease over time. The battered may deny violence; say he/she was drunk, say sorry and promise that it will never happen again. The victim is least amenable to help at this point. However, the battered may be most open to help at the start of this phase because typically, he/she is remorseful and wishes to please (keep) the partner. At the peak of this stage, both parties may deny or distort what has occurred. Then Phase 1 begins again. The truth is that change is unlikely unless you get help; but, in most cases, it does. It not only recurs, but escalates each time. Studies indicate that most abusers who seek professional help do so only after their partners have left. Otherwise, they have no incentive to change.

What Should I do?

The first step is to recognize what is happening. It is hard to accept that you are being abused by someone you love. Look over the types of abuse. Do any of the behaviours apply to your life? Take it seriously. Realize you are not alone, and you didn't cause or deserve the abuse. Tell trusted adults and friends. Call the authorities if you've been assaulted or in danger.

What To Do If You Are An Abuser

If you are an abuser, there are steps you can take as well. Admit that you are hurting someone and make a commitment to stop. Talk to trusted adults and friends about your problem. Get in touch with a counsellor, or your EFAP representative.

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