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"When A Relationship Ends" ~ Rebuilding Blocks for Healing
Pain is nature's way of telling us that something needs healing. The pain that follows the end of a relationship should be the motivation to "get on with the healing" ~ "rebuilding blocks" can help people heal. Putting each block in place can ensure a healthy adjustment to the breakup while helping a person learn more about him/herself. Among the more difficult blocks to put in place:
Dealing with denial ~ Denial is the mind's way of helping us cope with the painful reality of a situation by not acknowledging that it is happening. But, while it may insulate us from pain, denial delays resolution. Overcome denial by admitting to yourself that the relationship is over. The sooner this is done; the closer you are to being healed.
Overcoming fear ~ If you're fearful at the end of a relationship, ask yourself why. Do you fear being alone? Do you fear that others will reject you? Figuring out why you feel fearful is often the first step toward getting rid of it.
Using better adaptive behaviours ~ As children, each of us learned to act in ways that got us the love and acceptance we craved. If our parents were overly critical, we learned to try to be perfect. If we grew up in a chaotic home, we learned to be unfeeling. If there was little love in our home, we learned we could at least feel needed by pleasing others. Perfectionism, being unfeeling and being a people-pleaser are examples of adaptive behaviours.
Determine which problematic adaptive behaviours you learned in childhood and find ways to avoid practicing them in the future. For example, to overcome people pleasing, learn to please yourself and set limits. Without this rebuilding block in place, your problematic adaptive behaviours may interfere with your next love relationship
Using time wisely ~ You don't have to feel lonely just because you're alone. If you feel lonely,
take inventory of how you spend your time. Maybe you're running from loneliness, letting the fear of it lead you to do things or to be with people whom you don't enjoy. Instead, become self-nurturing and accepting of your aloneness. Spend time on activities you enjoy. And, find nurturing relationships, not just people to spend time with.
Finding friends ~ Many couples lose their friends when they break up. The friends may feel uncomfortable about the split. In times of crisis, friends are important. Turn to them for support as you heal. And, motivate yourself to find new, healthy friendships that can help you grow through the adjustment.
Managing anger ~ A breakup can lead some people to experiencing rage for the first time in their lives. This is good because anger helps create emotional distance between yourself and the ex-partner. But, if directed inappropriately, anger can be destructive, even harmful. To deal constructively with anger, it is a recommended exercise to write your angry thoughts in a letter and then destroy it, or call a friend and ask if he/she will listen to you say all the angry things you want to say. But above all, it is advisable to find a healthy, appropriate way to vent anger. Not to do so can place you at risk of depression and other illnesses.
It normally takes a year to adjust to a breakup. While putting these and the other rebuilding blocks in place won't hasten the process, you may learn how your actions contributed to the breakup and how you can prevent that from happening again. Counselling also can help you to adjust. If you find the going difficult, talk to someone in your employee assistance program.
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